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Dennis smiled. It was the golden god smile. Cold. Ancient. “Oh, I’ll tell them. But first—who here has a fantasy football team? Raise your hands.”

Mac stood up. “Actually, the dog’s name is irrelevant. What matters is the ocular pat-down he gave that wilderness. That dog assessed every squirrel as a non-threat. A true alpha.”

Frank waddled in, holding a smartphone. “I just got scammed out of eleven dollars by a Nigerian prince who promised me a reverse-mortgage timeshare. And I respect the hustle! That’s how you know something’s wrong. I should’ve mugged him by now.”

Dee, panicking, tried to salvage it. “What Trevor means to say is—we love trivia! Tell ‘em about the time we did a real game show, Dennis. The one where you almost died.”

The Paddy’s Pub sign buzzed, flickered, then died. Again.

Charlie tilted his head. “I’ve been savin’ ‘em for a special occasion. They’re sea salt flavor now. Very sophisticated.”

Dennis’s left eye twitched.

Charlie grabbed the mic. “The dog was a liar! Chance was a fraud ! I’ve seen Homeward Bound seventeen times on VHS while huffing paint, and let me tell you—the cat did all the work. The cat had a plan . The dog just ran toward food. THAT’S NOT A HERO.”

“We’re back, baby.”

The host, a bearded man named Trevor with a septum piercing, smiled warmly. “Welcome, Team Paddy’s! Tonight’s theme: ‘Wholesome 90s Nostalgia.’”

“You’re all sheep . You draft running backs while Rome burns. I once trapped a man in a closet for three hours just to win an argument about residuals . You think I care about the dog from Homeward Bound ? I AM THE DOG. I AM THE BOUND. I AM THE HOME.”

Round one: “What was the name of the dog in Homeward Bound ?”

Not literally. Philadelphia is a swamp. But the vibe was sunny.

They arrived at the brewery as a four-piece disaster. Dee wore her old waitress wig. Mac wore cut-off jorts so tight his thighs squeaked. Frank had a trash can lid as a shield. Dennis carried a PowerPoint entitled “Why You’re All Beta Cucks (Trivia Edition).”

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